100th motherfucking post

Was actually saving this for my birthday, but I just had a weird night.

Went to work. Been working my ass off for the past 4 weeks and I know that its being noticed. Today I got some acknowledgment for all the good work I’ve put in. And I really have. Normally I don’t brag about such stuff…but I know I’ve done some really outstanding work so far and it felt good to have that work appreciated.

Anyway…evening came. Went to my company’s year end party. Lots of alcohol. Played pool and kicked ass initially, but then got my ass kicked by another LEAPer. She has also previously kicked my ass at table tennis…lol . There’s no shame there though…haha.

Felt a bit weird and out of place after a while. I dunno what it was…but I suddenly started feeling like a stranger amongst all my colleagues.

Maybe it was the 6 shots of whiskey. Maybe it was the glasses of beer I gulped down. But I just felt so fucking down. And I didn’t even know why.

Came back a bit early…and for the first time in my life, I actually bought a pack just because I felt like lighting one up. Bought more alcohol as well. And instead of lighting ONE up, I chain smoked three. Actually stopped myself from smoking the fourth.

As I leaned back underneath my building, and exhaled smoke over my head and behind me, I didn’t feel relaxed at all. I just felt uneasy and weird. Although I did get a mild high from it (heck…after 6 shots of whiskey, 3 mugs of beer and some more beer from 7-11 followed by 3 consecutive cigarette, if I don’t even get a mild buzz then I should go jump off a building ), it didn’t feel as good as I thought it would feel.

I felt nothing.

Just felt weird. About life. About work. About living here.

Somehow, now, as I type this…I just feel like going back to India. Back to Nainital. Where the mountains and fogs stretched into eternity. Where the cool air heightened my senses and made me one with nature…made me feel…alive.

Now, and for the past few weeks, I just feel confused and somewhat alone. Like I said…maybe its the fucking alcohol talking, maybe its the motherfucking nicotine…but I just wanted to feel alive tonight. Wanted to do something crazy and weird.

Maybe I’ll do it tomorrow night.