Old Post – Monday

I was going through some my drafted blog posts that I never published and I came across a really emo draft from some time ago. It may be a tad too emo though. I didn’t post it at that time because it was perhaps a bit too revealing. Now I don’t really care.

Monday. A weird day. Today more so than others.

After work, after my Poly class, I did some things that needed to be done. I feel bad. I don’t know if I should or not. I just don’t think that I’m a “no strings attached, all flings” kind of person…as much as I’d like to tell myself that I am. If I didn’t care, I guess I wouldnt’ve felt bad. But I did feel bad. And I wish I knew how not to care.

Anyway, went down to check my mail. The weather was gorgeous. Cold winds blowing. A brown Singaporean sky that I’m so used to seeing nowadays.

I walked across to the back of my block. Green grass all around. I could see some construction cranes with their twinkling red lights in the distance. As I stood there with the cold wind sending shivers through my body, I saw a train cut across my line of vision.

And suddenly I felt cold inside. As I stood there staring at the twinkling, winking red of the cranes, I felt cold. So I lit one up. I watched as the smoke swirled and danced in the wind, rising higher and higher until it disappeared into the brown above.

It’s been almost 5 years for me in Singapore now. Half a decade.

Two more trains cut across the background.

I kept thinking about Indore. About the back alleys behind my house, where one night I taped a torch light to my bicycle and rode away into the night. I was thirteen at that time. I think. I remember the thrill I felt, as I cycled across the familiar roads and lanes that had magically been transformed into something more beautiful and mysterious in the dark of the night and the dim light of my torch that kept getting dimmer and dimmer as I went farther away.

“…running far, running fast, to the dead…”

And the night sky wasn’t the ugly brown of Singapore. It was dark blue.

One,two,three,four cigarettes fall to the concrete below.

That night just kept playing in my head over and over again. What has happened to all that wonder and promise that life once had? I feel nothing nowadays. I’ve grown so tired of this place. I’ve grown tired of the superficialities it masks itself in. I’ve grown tired of the superficilaities that have cropped up into my life. If I didn’t have a bond to serve, I’d probably book a ticket to nowhere and leave. There’s nothing left for me here now. Its hard to describe and I wont even try.

Things might’ve been different if I had some purpose here. But I doubt there are any. Not anymore.

So, helpless, I just stood there, waiting for another train to pass by.